Making the Connection

It’s not always easy to come to grips with the choices we have made in relationships, choices that made us look at love so differently, not to mention ourselves. I most recently took an online course about releasing past relationships, and it really made me go within and release so much that was still stagnant in my heart and womb space. As I allowed my heart to revisit moments that will stay with me forever; I allowed myself to be human again; to see my myself without all of the judgement that I had knowingly impressed upon myself for the choices I made in the past. Each relationship that I opened my heart up to and my sacred womb space taught me so much and brought me to where I am now…Yes, everything I decided to do has had a ripple effect in my life in one way or another, but would I be the woman I am today without these experiences? Would I be as strong as I am now; even though I have felt so weak before?
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As I went through the meditations and visualizations within the course; I felt stagnation melt from within, I felt my heart opening up and I learned how to tap into the power of my sacred womb space. As I released and reopened those main corridors to love, I thought of how everything happens at the right time. Maybe I could have avoided many pitfalls in my past had I known what I know now…but maybe those so called pitfalls were needed to help me elevate my thinking and be more open to what had been closed before. I wouldn’t have known how to utilize such powerful energy if I had learned about it prematurely. Perhaps it would have even been dismissed due to my lack of understanding. We all receive what we need at the appointed time, that is the truth. I was ready for these changes in my life, ready to embrace my experiences and place them in the “web” of my life. No longer do I recall some of the painful experiences in my relationships with disdain or regret; as I cannot change my past. I felt tears run down my face at some points as I remembered choices I myself made out of anger or fear and I held them over my head like a gray cloud; a constant reminder of the things I can never change. What I was subconsciously doing was making myself feel unworthy of love, telling myself I was deserving of whatever consequences I had reaped from such choices. But that was not healing, it was condemnation. We tend to do that as women, as strong as we really are and can be, we can allow such hurtful thoughts to overtake our spirits and play on our psyche.

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This course also taught me how to stand strong in my power, something I hadn’t been doing before. I was too afraid, I felt this power, I knew and still know that when I love, I love deeply. It is a gift that I don’t have to feel ashamed of anymore, I can be proud of this aspect. Many times though, I felt that my love would be enough to change circumstances or move mountains, but I had to realize I can only change myself; what is the saying? “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” That is my ultimate goal; to continue to blossom and grow the wings of a butterfly; leaving the “safety” of my cocoon behind.

Birth memories…

“I loved her the moment I laid eyes on her; I wanted to hold her close and breathe her in.”

…She was such an intense little newborn, with a lusty cry, almost like a lion cub…my sun girl…dark hair covered the nape of her neck; I felt so magical about her and knew instantaneously that she would have this hold over me. Her name means “the Creator is beautiful”…I knew that my body had to heal but also that she needed me. Upon getting her home, it was like “what do we do now?” But she let me know and we slowly fell into a rhythm…I was thankful, truly.  She latched on perfectly when I began breastfeeding. I felt kind of emotional about my delivery, but feeling confident during breastfeeding somewhat superseded those thoughts. Time truly healed my spirits and watching how beautifully my baby girl was thriving gave me so much peace.

“Was there anything I was afraid of?”

When I think about my first birth experience, it was like there was a loss of control over the situation; my birth was in “someone else’s hands” and I felt very vulnerable being in a hospital setting to have my child. I remember how I felt emotionally, I was VERY nervous and my temperature had slightly risen. My contractions were gaining momentum and I was feeling weary and unsure. The energy from my nervousness was felt by my baby and when my water broke, it was not clear. A c-section was in order not long after; mostly related to concern over my baby’s heart rate, meconium in the amniotic fluid and “distress”. What was about to happen? I had not imagined that I’d have my baby born via a c-section. Everything was so sudden, I was scared as hell, yet prepared to do this and move through. I didn’t know what to feel at first about having a c-section and honestly after I saw my baby, I knew that she and I would be like two peas in a pod… Still, it would be a long road to recovery. The healing process was no joke…dealing with major abdominal and uterine surgery, and caring for an infant is a reality for many new mothers. Though I was thankful we were both okay, I did not wish to go through another c-section in the future…and so learning about a VBAC would be my next journey.



A few years later; I was expecting my second baby and feeling more confident in my choices about how this birth would go. It seemed that when I shared the fact that I had a C-section with my first child; that I was automatically a candidate for an indefinite hospital birth and possibly another c-section; neither of which I desired. Hope came in the form of a midwife that some of my close friends had used for their births, she was spoken of highly and I definitely wanted to connect with her.

I felt confident with her when I met her and knew that she’d seen many babies come into this realm and her calling was to be a “gatekeeper”, a midwife. She had faith in my ability to birth my baby naturally this time around; something I wished to at least try. I wanted to have a clear mind on what would be taking place; I began comparing birth books that I read; my interests piqued from “What to Expect when You’re Expecting” to books written by Aviva Jill Romm and Sheila Kitzinger; women who spoke openly about birth, not to mention “Spiritual Midwifery” by Ina May Gaskin.

“I was about to embark on a new adventure as I planned to tread the waters of “natural birth”. I would be giving birth at home…”

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I remember the day like yesterday, being surrounded by my loved ones, and feeling reassured that every contraction was bringing me closer to seeing my little one. I remember how we prepared the room in which I would be laboring, I remember our trip to the store to gather the supplies we would need for my home birth. It was surreal; I couldn’t believe the moment had finally arrived. I remember the joy I felt when I went to the bathroom and noticed my mucus plug becoming “unplugged.” My contractions were coming but were not as intense yet, so I had some energy to rely on for the real work I had to do later. My midwife would not leave my side, she watched me as I walked around, ate, took a nap, laughed, bounced on my birth ball and then later; as I sighed. Doubt started to creep in right around the time the contractions were beginning to reach their peak, but I knew I had to stay with this energy… My beloved doula, a very close friend of mine who also had used the same midwife, rubbed my feet, she hugged me, and she asked me what I needed. I tried to keep a sense of humor, laughing with everyone when I could muster the strength to…I smelled food cooking in the kitchen as I walked around, now feeling the depth of the contractions. It was a beautiful day in March and I needed some air, and many a walk did I take that day. There was a lot of leaning and squatting…I wanted to get things moving, subconsciously I was accessing my inner power! I loved how I was working with gravity to assist me in labor; I was proud of myself. My midwife listened to my baby’s heart beat, she checked me, but not often, as she knew I was progressing well. I tried to rest in between contractions but it was not as easy or seemingly possible. However, I caught a few moments somehow…My tolerance for pain is not weak in the least bit, but this pain was overwhelming after a while. I also began feeling the baby moving down more, especially after all of the walking and squatting I had been doing. I knew that it was getting real, I was about to go to the point of no return. I started to become nervous, yet felt ready to experience this birth. I sat up in bed and listened intently as my midwife looked me in my eyes and calmly told me my baby was coming. She had tuned into me from the beginning and could naturally sense my hesitance…Her encouragement and the fire in her eyes was reassuring in the ways that I needed. I began feeling the desire to bear down, like an uncontrollable force had overtaken me; I felt my womb working to help my baby come forward. I actually was excited at the prospect of pushing during my contractions, working with them instead of against them was quite inviting to me…I sat up, my red flowery dress falling around my hips and released the energy needed to push. I felt the most indescribable feeling ever; my baby emerging from within. I paused between pushes, my midwife sitting in front of me and my partner next to me. She looked down and said she could see the baby’s head. I honestly can’t remember if I reached down to touch; but I knew I was close to delivering as I could feel the unmistakable “ring of fire.”
For a split second I was in a state of ecstatic bliss and pain at the same time if that makes sense; I attempted to go within the blissful feeling but it was so subtle and just like that…I heard her cry and knew… the last and final push, I gave my all to and out she came. I felt so light; literally. I had another little girl; My little moon, her name means “heavenly child, wreath of flowers”. She had the biggest eyes and they looked me over and took me in just as I did with her. My midwife weighed her using a spring scale and she was 7 pounds even. She looked at me and said, “she’s a beautiful baby, mommy”…I smiled and felt the love in her words; her congratulations to me… Big sis came in the room after having not seeing mommy for a bit and we cuddled together, this was what my home birth was like. I would not have traded this for the world.

I’m in awe of the journey a woman can have during her birth…we have what we need. No woman ever forgets how she gave birth, how she felt, what she envisioned and her memories are part of her journey.

Listening to our inner voice is like having an internal compass, we just have to pay attention and follow its lead…since when has it ever been wrong?

Such is the case with our birth experiences…

“I feel a little heart beating now, outside of my womb, yet still next to my heart…

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Time for you is due

I have my mind fixated on exactly what I want to birth this year; not as in having a baby, but in the ideas, goals and dreams I would like to see come to fruition. First and foremost though, I want to take better care of myself in this new year; taking more time to nurture my body, mind and soul. I feel like 2013 rushed on by; there were enjoyable moments, but I was always in a rush. I’d rush home from work, rush to get in a load of laundry, rush to get dinner going and sometime; rush back out to the grocery store or for other errands.
I was always in a mad dash, hoping to save time by moving faster, thinking ahead and preparing; just in case. I was in “go” mode so often that it felt weird to just sit and relax; guilt surrounded me like a cloud for simply taking time to be in the moment. Towards the end of the year however, my thoughts began to change. Things began to happen more frequently to show me that I was out of sync.

 As I released things in my life that seemed to rule most of my decisions; leaving little room for peace of mind, I had a clearer view of how much I had been putting my needs on the shelf.  And I wanted to do things differently, immediately. I started small; taking a moment in the evenings to watch a sunset; write in my journal or type up some poems, nap, call a friend and laugh together, or watch a good movie. It was lovely; to just be in the moment. So many times, we as women rely on our reserves of strength to keep on going, but we have to take time to just be…still.
Really sit and tap into what we need for ourselves. We feel guilty when we do this because we don’t do it enough! We are exemplary at what we do; especially with caring and loving those around us, but we have to share some of that love with ourselves. We have to nurture ourselves just as much as we nurture everyone else. Nurture your being and what a gift you are to this world; the uniqueness of your sweet spirit!  I find that during my cycle; I’m so much more in tuned with myself; and I take note of what is going on around me. I hold my dreams to my heart extra tight, as they have deeper meanings, I read more, write more, am less talkative, I fall asleep earlier and sometime I cry; cleansing my spirit. I told myself that for all that I plan to do in 2014; I have to be in tip top shape; mentally, physically and no doubt spiritually. Realizing that devoted time tending to our needs, our emotions, our desires is tantamount to uncovering our true amazing selves as women. And it is our true selves that we will want to come out; and to share with our loved ones, friends and the world around us.

Rediscovering and creating

Since the start of the New Year, I have noticed an influx of articles on creativity and how we can build on our innate desire as women to create.  Creativity inspires us to really come into our own; we know what we are capable of and we undertake it with passion in our hearts. imagesCA514NKM
When we come back full circle to what we have always known but drifted away from, it is pure bliss. For me; I am in the peak of self discovery and learning more about what drives my spirit. This new writing space that I have created in honor of the divine feminine is driving me to write articles on deeper subjects.  I am celebrating how far I have truly come; especially with finding my voice. For years I allowed my voice to be silenced for fear of rejection or just not feeling that what I had to say was adequate enough. I know better now, I have changed, morphed into the beautiful butterfly I am meant to be; soaring past my fears. I look forward to nurturing the creativity in me; and it all begins with sharing my most intimate thoughts with you on this blog. How can we tap more into our creativity as women? We can take time to give considerable thought to what brings us joy beyond words. Most of us already know what we love to do; and would do despite our doubts.  I enjoy writing, reading and sharing my thoughts with others and what better way to nurture this desire than to blog about it. When we make the decision to create what we love; to do what gives us purpose, it’s amazing how the Universe seems to smile on us. There is no right or wrong way to tap into this beautiful aspect about ourselves, but only we can do it. Yes, others may notice our gifts and encourage us to “do more” to bring them out and share them, but ultimately we must see ourselves creating on a deeper level.47117-love-heart-made-from-matches
We must spark the flame that resides in our hearts; once we catch that spark and remember the bliss we feel when we are creating a part of us to share with the world, it’s no stopping what we are capable of! I will be the first to say that doubt has gripped me in more ways than one, but I had to realize that if I didn’t nurture my creativity while I could, I would most definitely come to know the deepest pangs of regret. What has been bubbling under the surface of our jobs, families and other’s opinions of how we should use our time? Let this be the year that we pick up that paintbrush again, make that trip to see what we haven’t seen before, write that book, use our camera to capture what is meaningful to us, learn to play the guitar or take that belly dancing class (something I seriously plan to do this year).  Let this year also be the year that we embrace our sensuality, spirituality and innate mystery as the creative women we all are. Ready? Go!