Winds of Life

Being a sap for nature will truly be the death of me…I really feel that way, I have this soft spot in my heart for animals that has been with me since childhood. Wanting to save the neighborhood kittens, cringing when I would see a dog in the street or begging my mother to help me with yet another rescue of a distressed animal. And it hasn’t changed really, which I’m fine with, but there are times when I feel overwhelmed by the emotions that play out in these instances. Such is the story of a Great Blue Heron, that my daughters lovingly named “Wind”.  Wind loved to fly in to fish near the lake behind our townhouse. I had created a few posts on my Google blog about how one day, my youngest daughter noticed that she had fishing twine wrapped around her legs. The situation was preventing her to stand on both of her legs. This of course meant trouble fishing, which could be detrimental for a Great Blue Heron. We kept a close eye on her, and noticed how she would come flying in when we were out throwing bread for the ducks onto the lake. Perhaps she was trying to fish? Often she would try, but most of the time, she would eat the bread landing and floating around her. We were very happy that she could still fly but worried about her legs. So we called our local wildlife center to report the heron. They did try to come out a couple of times but she would fly away when she sensed them close by. We spoke softly to her in the evenings, my youngest daughter and I, sometimes with her sister, sometimes just us. We were grateful for how she seemed to trust us as she would not fly away when we were close to her.

 

Wind

"I love you"

Finally, one day, there was knock on my door and I could see that the heron had been rescued. One of the wildlife rescuers held up a clear plastic bag with the fishing twine that became embedded in her legs such that when they removed it from her, it exposed a deep cut on the leg that she had not been able to stand on. I talked for a bit with the guys, and they shared with me that they had used fish to get her to come closer to them. She was so hungry for it that it took her off guard. I felt a tinge of worry about her legs but felt good that she would be helped. We reach our hands out to touch her soft deep, grey feathers; she was a beautiful bird and we could see that she was afraid by looking in her eyes.

Wind being rescued

A few days went by and I called to check on Wind. I was informed that she was a bit stressed but doing ok. She received treatment and her legs were bandaged up to begin healing. The lady I spoke with shared with me that they would bring her back to our location when she was healed. We felt a sense of relief and our lives resumed with the busyness of school, work, writing (for me), field trips and the sweet call of summer nearing. After a few weeks, my youngest asked me to call the wildlife center to check on Wind. I wanted to do it, and every time I meant to, something would come up or I would forget. Today though, I called. I had a feeling of uncertainty and it was confirmed when I was told that Wind, the Great Blue Heron had died later in the evening on the same day that I had called a few weeks ago. I was sad, I looked out onto the lake and knew that she was not coming back. I told my girls, they were quiet for the first few minutes. I hugged them and told them it was okay to be sad, and even okay to cry. I told them sometimes we may not always understand why, even though we wish we could.  I was quiet as well, but I tried not to let it get to me. After all, these things happen.  But just this afternoon as I sat outside eating my lunch and looked out onto the lake, I cried. I cried because even though this was an animal, it still hurt. Her element was here, this lake was all she knew. I anticipated the day when she would return, but it was not to be. This was yet another lesson for me; things don’t always end the way I think they should end. Such is life; the embodiment of change. A day can bring any new thing, or situation. We never know. What I am at peace with is that my children learned a lesson in empathy. We did what we could on our end, we helped another that could not help herself and for that my heart rejoices.

Sunshine

An Ocean of Emotion

I regret not taking more time to grow as an individual, I regret not being fully open with my feelings, suppressing them out of fear. I didn’t say “No,” enough or practice enough self love. In the grand scheme of things, self love was what was missing. Self love lives in my spirit, gratitude lives in my heart. It is not too late to practice self love; I can start by saying; I’m only human. Gratitude is me really saying I am truly grateful. Some days, I feel like I am on top of the world and on my spiritual game to a “T.” But I cry sometimes, I used to feel weak when I cried, like I failed again and miserably. I was great at holding in my emotions and crying in my room where no one could see my tears. All of that energy built up inside me and screamed for an outlet, for a place where it was okay to be vulnerable. It was not a weakness, it was my ego beginning to melt like snow to reveal the passionate warmth of my spirit. I know I love deeply, and I have been hurt because of it, it is a blessing and a curse.

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Truthfully at the end of the day, I am not perfect when it comes to love, life and navigating through the watery world of emotions. I have been hurt, and  I have been wide open with love, embracing it and using it as my all to get through even the most difficult of times. It has been there for me, and the concept of self love finally has been settling more into my spirit, becoming so much more real to me and accepted as a means to be the woman I need to be. I had  a dream this week and when I woke up, I remembered it and wrote the details that I could remember in my dream journal. 

I remember wading through an ocean and coming upon a huge stadium with seats that rose so high up into the sky. It seemed to be rising from under the water as if it was grounded in the ocean floor. I remember I had some bags hanging from my arm and some items in my hand, personal perhaps, but I wouldn’t let them go to grab onto something to pull myself out of the water. The waves were getting higher and I kept trying to use my chin to hang on to safety; in my mind’s eye, I could feel my spirit saying; “let go” but it took me so long to do it. I finally lifted myself out of the water and I climbed higher and higher, viewing others around me either doing the same or sitting in the seats. I felt scared, surprised and calm at the same time; if that is possible. I couldn’t shake the fact that the water was getting higher and higher though. I woke up just before the dream could take me to the next step or event, but I do remember feeling like if the water covers us, we will all just adapt instantaneously and swim, even though I was a little uncertain.

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I looked online to see if I could decipher this dream; maybe attempt to make more sense of the events. I looked up “water” and “waves” on Dream moods, a wonderful website for interpreting dreams. (Please see my You Tube video on dreams!) 

Dreams about water represent our emotional state and how we express ourselves through them. My holding onto “things” in my dream and not letting go represented something deeper…was I subconsciously afraid of change and holding on to the familiar to suppress that reality? I am thinking about my emotional level right now and while I am blissful most of the time, perhaps I still am holding so much inside; my dichotomy. 

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In my dream; could the ever rising water have represented my emotions engulfing my spirit? The water was eerily familiar, like a lifetime of my tears. I was grateful that I remembered this dream, and that I attempted to make peace with it, whatever it may have meant for me. My sadness has been my baggage for a long time, I held onto it and expected it, attempting to be a martyr through it. Knowing that if I just braved “one more storm” I would be stronger, but in essence, expecting sadness and allowing it to be a way of life for me was not making me stronger. I had to do things differently. I pay attention to the dreams I have, they always mean something to me…I am also giving my spirit more attention these days, it used to be so easy to hide my emotions to the world and keep it moving, but like a volcano, pent up energy, sadness, anger and unresolved issues will erupt eventually.