Relationships; then and now

Relationships have really been in my thoughts; manifesting them, creating them and evaluating the ones I currently have in my life. How are they benefiting my growth? In what ways have I changed? Am I holding on to relationships that I have outgrown just for the sake of familiarity? Am I allowing myself to fully be open to new relationships that will nurture my spirit in a way that I need it most?

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These are not always the easiest questions to even ask of myself, but they are necessary. In the past, I have held onto relationships way past their “due date” and would totally be in another world even when the signs were there that it was just time to let go…but how? There are a million ways to let go or even steer a relationship in a new direction, but it truly depends on where we are emotionally and mentally. I think the way we identify with who we are to a person sometimes can cloud our judgement. What to do when things change? I once wrote a letter to someone I was in a relationship with; not seeing this person physically and knowing that I would not again. I read it out loud; through watery eyes as if they were right in front of me; the emotions that were tied to this person were so strong…hence the tears. I then burned the letter and washed the bits of it down the drain…this was the beginning…I stopped communicating with them, not out of anger but out of necessity…I had to move on. Sometimes, that is what is needed.

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The love I had for this person was now returned to me…so that I could get the boost I needed at such a difficult time. After a while, I felt peace, knowing I created my own way of letting go. When I’m with someone and I’m at my best; I can say anything, do anything, share anything and just be emotionally free; I sense that the relationship is like food to my soul. When laughter is abundant and eye contact brings smiles, when I don’t even care about the miles, I know I am in a good space. When I can communicate my thoughts, share my wildest and deepest dreams; I feel like there is no limit to the potential that a relationship can have. I used to regret being in certain relationships, wishing I had never “wasted my time” or even finding fault with my decisions of the past. But everyone is a teacher, everyone that comes into my life is meant to show me something and I’m also meant to be a teacher for them…it may be the hardest lesson, it may be easy, but nevertheless, it is all about perspective. These days, I envision my relationships with love and full of life; present, future and even past ones; with a hint of forgiveness so that I can truly move on. After all, Love is Free…

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Reflecting on the Past, loving the Present; embracing the Future

I wrote this piece some time ago…I took it out and read it today, feeling so drawn to the words and also reflective; noting the changes that have taken place since I’ve written this…

“She is a “good” woman by society’s standards; she is happily married, with two beautiful children, lives in a wonderful community, works part-time, writes in her spare time and loves to go out with her friends when she has “free” time. She feels so blessed and thankful for such a rich life. Family and friends that are as close to her heart as the moon is to the stars. She ponders life often, wonders about its mysteries and feels excited about its many possibilities. She does her best to stay in the moment, enjoying the sunshine, the joy; going through the rain and sometimes the pain. Learning that sometimes, instead of trying to stay dry, she should let the rain pour over her and through her soul, symbolically cleansing what might be stagnant and old. The thing is, she settles; she makes excuses for herself and later regrets them, always masking how she really feels…She is trying to rise above the stress that has built up over time. She doesn’t want to keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different outcome, for that would be insanity. She will not be afraid, even when those she loves the most let her down…She has to turn things around, she often feels overwhelmed and heavy with so many changes in so little time. She wonders why at times she is treated like she committed a crime when all she did, wants to do and needs to do is be herself. There is such a place where she can be herself; for she knows it well, it is deep inside her soul. She has been, it is a place where she can laugh, smile and enjoy just being at peace with those around her. How freeing it is to be accepted…we should never take for granted the relationships we have with those who love us…who really love us and don’t waste precious time criticizing or fault-finding. Life is too short, leave words of love rather than words of fear or anger; for tomorrow is not promised.”

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When I wrote this piece, I was having some inner turmoil, I knew that my life needed to change and soon. I have been a master at disguising my pain behind a smile, a laugh and even telling myself that I was okay when deep down, I wasn’t. I felt like a failure when I couldn’t just “be happy” with everything that I had in my life. But there are two things that cannot long be hidden; the moon and the truth…My truth was trying so hard to come out, but I suppressed it…and I suffered when I suppressed it…many things have changed in my life since, but it is truly an ongoing road for me…the journey has not ended, it has begun and I have been going places I never even imagined. I allowed myself to shine from the inside out, and it feels so freeing, so alive, so right. I love the woman I have become so far, she is a testament to BEing authentic and real.

Making the Connection

It’s not always easy to come to grips with the choices we have made in relationships, choices that made us look at love so differently, not to mention ourselves. I most recently took an online course about releasing past relationships, and it really made me go within and release so much that was still stagnant in my heart and womb space. As I allowed my heart to revisit moments that will stay with me forever; I allowed myself to be human again; to see my myself without all of the judgement that I had knowingly impressed upon myself for the choices I made in the past. Each relationship that I opened my heart up to and my sacred womb space taught me so much and brought me to where I am now…Yes, everything I decided to do has had a ripple effect in my life in one way or another, but would I be the woman I am today without these experiences? Would I be as strong as I am now; even though I have felt so weak before?
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As I went through the meditations and visualizations within the course; I felt stagnation melt from within, I felt my heart opening up and I learned how to tap into the power of my sacred womb space. As I released and reopened those main corridors to love, I thought of how everything happens at the right time. Maybe I could have avoided many pitfalls in my past had I known what I know now…but maybe those so called pitfalls were needed to help me elevate my thinking and be more open to what had been closed before. I wouldn’t have known how to utilize such powerful energy if I had learned about it prematurely. Perhaps it would have even been dismissed due to my lack of understanding. We all receive what we need at the appointed time, that is the truth. I was ready for these changes in my life, ready to embrace my experiences and place them in the “web” of my life. No longer do I recall some of the painful experiences in my relationships with disdain or regret; as I cannot change my past. I felt tears run down my face at some points as I remembered choices I myself made out of anger or fear and I held them over my head like a gray cloud; a constant reminder of the things I can never change. What I was subconsciously doing was making myself feel unworthy of love, telling myself I was deserving of whatever consequences I had reaped from such choices. But that was not healing, it was condemnation. We tend to do that as women, as strong as we really are and can be, we can allow such hurtful thoughts to overtake our spirits and play on our psyche.

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This course also taught me how to stand strong in my power, something I hadn’t been doing before. I was too afraid, I felt this power, I knew and still know that when I love, I love deeply. It is a gift that I don’t have to feel ashamed of anymore, I can be proud of this aspect. Many times though, I felt that my love would be enough to change circumstances or move mountains, but I had to realize I can only change myself; what is the saying? “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” That is my ultimate goal; to continue to blossom and grow the wings of a butterfly; leaving the “safety” of my cocoon behind.