Letting go of Facebook

I want to share some things that have been happening in my life. First of all, I deleted my Facebook account! I have deactivated my account before and stayed off of it for a few weeks…but I would go back. A couple of weeks ago, I simply deleted it and haven’t turned back. It was time to just go through with it…Things seemed so stagnant for me on Facebook. I honestly felt like I was drowning in a sea of folks whose faces I have never even seen, yet they could see so much of my private life. Yes, it was helpful to have ways that I could control my account, but that’s just it! Facebook was actually controlling my actions subconsciously, more than I felt comfortable with. And I didn’t make the connection until I was fully disconnected from it. Who would notice my absence? What were my days like before I even had an account? I have always enjoyed deep communication, and sharing common interests, it is the stuff of life. I was on Facebook for roughly about ten years. It was fun engaging in conversations with people from all over the world; some which turned into physical friendships and relationships that may have never happened without Facebook.

So honestly, I am thankful for what I gained but I am also observant. You can only squeeze so much juice out of a fruit before it has nothing left, only memories of its sweet nectar. Perhaps I will return but in my own time, and I will start fresh. Facebook wouldn’t be as popular among its users if we took the time to look at our own lives and cherish them. It can be a great deterrent to what is truly important. These days, I am busy getting my writing goals up to par, entertaining more book ideas, gardening, spending time each day giving thanks and checking out other social media platforms. I felt a little sad about my blog posts not being automatically shared via Facebook but then I thought of the new experiences I am destined for. I think about how I have to give birth to a new me; which is timely being that my birthday is very close now.

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Often, the biggest decisions are made on the spur of the moment but end up having a great impact on our future. Every minute of our lives counts and how we decide to spend our time is ours to choose. I love that I am growing and changing under the sun; regenerating myself. I didn’t make a big announcement when I decided to delete my account, I just did it. I knew my tribe, my biggest fans, my friends and my heart strings would feel me; even in my unspoken way of going about this. I also didn’t want to impose my decision on others; it was my personal choice and I felt at peace. So that is honestly all that mattered. Cheers!

Writing roots

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It is nice to know there is another word out there besides “freelancer, writer, journalist” and such…”scripturient” has an authentic ring to it!…I am already used to feeling so much passion in my words…which is why I write.

I have my mother to thank in many ways for my love of writing…I remember how she kept tons of notebooks, journals, and stationery for just that. We don’t talk much about it and I don’t know if she has ever entertained writing a book. I have shared some of my work with her and she would smile and thank me for sharing. They say writers have the best penmanship and I do believe that to an extent. I had never seen so many loops, twists, curls and just pure fancy as I had with the way my mother writes her words. She makes it look so very beautiful, mysterious and creative; like calligraphy. She also can write in shorthand; which I haven’t mastered that as yet…she would tell me she learned it many years ago and used it when she worked. Perhaps I will share this post with her…and ask her if she has ever heard of the word; scripturient. She is a stickler for learning new words and using them in a sentence…Goodness knows how many words I learned as a child through my mother’s extensive vocabulary. The word “rambunctious” comes to mind as she was always using it with me, and I laughed because of how silly it sounded to my young ears.

I like that I can remember the sweet beginnings of my journey as a writer, the “diary” I had when I turned 11 years old, the stories I wrote for children I babysat, and my beloved poetry. There is passion in words, life-giving affirmation, and beauty. It is a gift when others share their words; one that should be cherished.

Wild Flowers…

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It seems like time stood still for this moment…look at those eyes, staring into my soul, this photo will never grow old…”We see you Mama,” they seem to say…forever etched in my heart, forever in a day…I promise I have pictures of almost every moment in their lives and I treasure them. Some pictures seem to speak out loud when Eye look at them and this is one of them. “Mama, I want to wear my Fall vest!” “This necklace will match my shirt”…Oh, yes, I smile about each moment with precise recollection…My soul is filled with sweetness, like wild honey in my favorite mug of tea…they know me like no one else and I love them like the precious flowers they are…blooming so tall and strong.

I listen when they tell me things…they are wise old souls even though I am the Mama…I learn from them as they teach me…

One day, we will share stories together when they are all grown up and they will feel different then…those same stories that I tell at their request…like my mother does with me…she becomes so animated at what she remembers and what she’s seen in her lifetime. And that is how it goes…share and remember, keep the memories alive and pass them onward so that they will always know how much they are truly loved…

Ocean Floor Kisses…

Because some days, I miss the ocean and her waves with the deepest of intensity…but I know she is within me…I remember days where I’d dig my feet deep into the hot sand and replenish my spirit by going for it; diving deep into her waters and feeling so refreshed. I miss seeing the moon rise over her and gazing upon her, casting a magical glow that seemed to stretch for miles…

I loved how my body felt weightless as I’d let go and just float on my back in the salty sea, gazing upward at the sun…laughter and peace surrounded me and sometimes seaweed and small fish…I’m thinking of special memories made at the beach.

He is…

Happy Birthday Little Prince…your footprints dance around in my head, goodness, you would be big! I imagine how your laugh would sound, wild and silly but cute all the same. Seven years old…bright eyes and knowing eyes like mine…energy for days, oh how you would play. Thank you for who you are to me and who I am because of you…I’m reminded of how precious life is, how fleeting a memory can be and what is expected of me as a mama…the greatest love I’ve ever known, you made me remember how strong I am. For you sweet boy, I had to be strong and go through the fire, but look now at your mama; a phoenix having risen many times, burning a new pathway for herself and her dreams…

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I love you now and forever…

Mama

 

 

Retrograde review

Just one more day…of Mercury’s retrograde, the first of this New Year and wow was it transitional for me. Usually, I go about my normal routine when I know a retrograde in Mercury is pending and I try very hard to be patient with myself. I’m a Gemini sun sign with Virgo rising and my Mercury is in Gemini, this is major for me! My three R’s come into play during the retrograde period; relax, review and remain calm as much as I can. However, during this particular retrograde, a new “R” came about; a reawakening. I was not expecting to invest so much emotionally during this retrograde, but I did, which was strengthening in a way. Especially connecting with my inner child and addressing things that caused painful memories. Creating a ritual that honored my little girl self gave way to forgiveness and allowing more room into my heart space for new experiences and love.

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Josephine Wall "Nature boy"
Josephine Wall “Nature boy”

It was almost surreal; friends that I hadn’t seen in years came to my hometown and we connected, remembering times that seemed so far away from now. We shared laughs and stories of how we met, while watching our children interacting together as if time had never stopped for them. I thought of times when my life was transitioning and unfolding into new experiences; such as motherhood and so much more. Images, flashbacks and moments that have passed over the years suddenly were at the forefront of my life again as I remembered who I was, and who I still am but in a different capacity. I was deeply immersed in documentaries, books and discussions about the mystical aspects of life during this retrograde as well, just wanting to go deeper.

Silence (Lao Tzu)

There was silence, yet my mind was noisy with thoughts that had never left me. I honored those memories and also honored the time I needed for clarity. I went to bed early some nights, wanting to write but not knowing how to get it all out. The inevitable feelings of anxiety about things I had been so sure of before the retrograde were tapping me on my shoulder for a different perspective and it was kind of exhausting. But I knew that trusting the process has been the best way forward so far. Thankfully the full moon in Leo was a very robust, joyful, enlightening and jovial moon and her balance was so welcome during this retrograde. So, while this time has most definitely been a major journey inward, I will relish the memories of it all as I make my way forward.

Summer days, New ways…of BEing

This summer, I took a road trip to Michigan while I was in Maryland to visit with some of my beautiful sisters and share in the energy of the New Moon in Leo. The vibe was lovely, the energy was radiant and I felt my spirit rise from the love I felt. I felt overcome with joy and laughter as I connected on an emotional level with other women; sharing a common bond was like water to my soul. The encouragement to freely embrace myself where I am in my life yet desire for more was laid upon my psyche like a reassuring warm blanket. I also felt warmth and security with my family in Maryland as I always do. I felt my spirit become energized with each laugh I shared, or loving glance and also as I watched my girls create their own memories this summer in Maryland with our family and friends. I cherished this time for I knew it would pass all too soon and it did. I made the drive back home to Florida, memories in tow and no tears were shed during the drive. However, as I typed this and remembered my time at the ocean last night to welcome the Full Moon, I cried. I knew it was a form of releasing and cleansing for my Spirit…and so I welcomed the tears.

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My trip to Maryland allowed me the chance to nurture a part of myself that had subconsciously been forgotten. The mysterious part of myself that has a voice and has always been there, making me the woman I am.  I have heard her speaking for so long, but I heard her as a whisper, barely audible. Had she been there all along awaiting her turn to be heard? For years I placed her neatly on a proverbial shelf, like a book, checking in with her once in a while. But most recently, this year to be exact, she shouted so long and so loud that I could no longer ignore her. She demanded recognition and attention and would no longer settle for anything less.

 

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This summer, I remembered how, as a little girl, my intuitive and adventurous side led the way; and how connected I was to my feelings. I was not afraid of being in nature and I loved everything about it. Walking in the woods, swinging freely on rope swings and climbing trees high into the sky excited me to no end. Skinned knees from bike races, splinters or fear never stopped me for long. My passion was unwavering as a little girl. Often I would use the term “tomboy” to describe myself as a child, but I’d like to think that I was more spirited than anything else.  As I took my girls to the home in Maryland where I spent my younger years, memories of running around the yard, picking juicy, dark blackberries off of the blackberry tree and hiding in the tall bamboo plants came rushing in. I warmly recalled how vibrant and enchanting it was to tap into those childhood memories. I also remember how much I had to say, at a very young age. I was aware of my voice and how speaking my thoughts caused either positive or negative reactions with those around me.

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Somewhere along the way though, my voice quieted…It became easier to just say what others wanted to hear and be accepted than to really express myself and risk rejection or disapproval. I still had a voice, a passion and desire to be heard but the overwhelming need for approval took over and that need began to silence my spontaneity. My life experiences, quiet time alone, motherhood, my relationships, my losses and my undying will to dig deeper has kept me going and has awakened the sleeping Grizzly bear out of her slumber. I am a woman who finds passion in being her unique self and who has a voice that echoes like thunder if she wills it to. It feels so good to remember this about myself and to be among those who know their power and are not afraid of it.

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I rekindled with that aspect of my being, vowing that I would never reject my true feelings; my voice.  When we have done something for so long, without giving a  thought to it, it becomes second nature; a habit. For a long time I was used to allowing others to speak for me, and thought it was okay because of who they were to me.  I didn’t want to disappoint those that I loved and I didn’t want to disagree too often for it was too much work. But what happens inside when we take that route in life? The delicate balance inside of us becomes imbalanced, we lose our voice and along with it our power. I also learned that my voice could be expressed with nonverbal action. As much as I love to use words to create articles, poems and stories, I enjoy using action as a way to express myself even more.

My family road trip is now over. I have beautiful pictures and memories swirling around in my head to remember my journey. I also have a new path, more clarity and a voice that will speak volumes as everything begins to unfold around me. I have been among other beautiful souls who speak with strength, who move with grace and defined purpose and they are all my mirrors, my reflections. I cherish the time that I had to go deep within my spirit this summer. Now is the beginning of a new awareness about myself  that I will embrace fiercely and purposefully. Love will continually be my guide. Peace and Light.

 

 

Winds of Life

Being a sap for nature will truly be the death of me…I really feel that way, I have this soft spot in my heart for animals that has been with me since childhood. Wanting to save the neighborhood kittens, cringing when I would see a dog in the street or begging my mother to help me with yet another rescue of a distressed animal. And it hasn’t changed really, which I’m fine with, but there are times when I feel overwhelmed by the emotions that play out in these instances. Such is the story of a Great Blue Heron, that my daughters lovingly named “Wind”.  Wind loved to fly in to fish near the lake behind our townhouse. I had created a few posts on my Google blog about how one day, my youngest daughter noticed that she had fishing twine wrapped around her legs. The situation was preventing her to stand on both of her legs. This of course meant trouble fishing, which could be detrimental for a Great Blue Heron. We kept a close eye on her, and noticed how she would come flying in when we were out throwing bread for the ducks onto the lake. Perhaps she was trying to fish? Often she would try, but most of the time, she would eat the bread landing and floating around her. We were very happy that she could still fly but worried about her legs. So we called our local wildlife center to report the heron. They did try to come out a couple of times but she would fly away when she sensed them close by. We spoke softly to her in the evenings, my youngest daughter and I, sometimes with her sister, sometimes just us. We were grateful for how she seemed to trust us as she would not fly away when we were close to her.

 

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"I love you"

Finally, one day, there was knock on my door and I could see that the heron had been rescued. One of the wildlife rescuers held up a clear plastic bag with the fishing twine that became embedded in her legs such that when they removed it from her, it exposed a deep cut on the leg that she had not been able to stand on. I talked for a bit with the guys, and they shared with me that they had used fish to get her to come closer to them. She was so hungry for it that it took her off guard. I felt a tinge of worry about her legs but felt good that she would be helped. We reach our hands out to touch her soft deep, grey feathers; she was a beautiful bird and we could see that she was afraid by looking in her eyes.

Wind being rescued

A few days went by and I called to check on Wind. I was informed that she was a bit stressed but doing ok. She received treatment and her legs were bandaged up to begin healing. The lady I spoke with shared with me that they would bring her back to our location when she was healed. We felt a sense of relief and our lives resumed with the busyness of school, work, writing (for me), field trips and the sweet call of summer nearing. After a few weeks, my youngest asked me to call the wildlife center to check on Wind. I wanted to do it, and every time I meant to, something would come up or I would forget. Today though, I called. I had a feeling of uncertainty and it was confirmed when I was told that Wind, the Great Blue Heron had died later in the evening on the same day that I had called a few weeks ago. I was sad, I looked out onto the lake and knew that she was not coming back. I told my girls, they were quiet for the first few minutes. I hugged them and told them it was okay to be sad, and even okay to cry. I told them sometimes we may not always understand why, even though we wish we could.  I was quiet as well, but I tried not to let it get to me. After all, these things happen.  But just this afternoon as I sat outside eating my lunch and looked out onto the lake, I cried. I cried because even though this was an animal, it still hurt. Her element was here, this lake was all she knew. I anticipated the day when she would return, but it was not to be. This was yet another lesson for me; things don’t always end the way I think they should end. Such is life; the embodiment of change. A day can bring any new thing, or situation. We never know. What I am at peace with is that my children learned a lesson in empathy. We did what we could on our end, we helped another that could not help herself and for that my heart rejoices.

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My Solar Return

On this day the 10th of June, I was born into the world just after noon…How beautiful it was to take my wings and fly, into this existence known as my life. I treasure each unique experience, good and bad, whether I felt blissfully happy or heart wrenching sad. It is me, my story, the years far and near in which I have made everlasting memories and they are still so very clear.

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Here I am another year older, growing in my truth and a whole lot more bolder since the days of my youth. In my thoughts and expressions, I view life as one big lesson. What will this new year open up for me? I feel as if there is so much more to experience and see. Nurturing my natural curiosity, is what brings me intense joy and playful glee. I’m so giddy to find out why, to feel as if there is no limit; like the vastness of the sky. I love the person I am and who I long to be, a woman whose dreams take her as far out as the sea. I have never wrote an ode to my birthday, but here it is, and it feels so lovely to celebrate who I am and who I am destined to be!

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Word memories

This evening I decided to read through one of my old journals that I started in 2009 and believe it or not so much of what I had written was speaking to me now more than ever before. It wasn’t so long ago that I began this journal, but I was definitely in a different place emotionally. Inside of these pages I read through quotes, thoughts and passages I had composed from deep inside of my heart. Love seemed to be the driving force for most of what I had written; I felt a desire to reconnect my spirit to this emotion that has carried me so far, in my darkest of hours. I remember where I was mentally when I began this journal; and writing was my strength. The way I put my words together to express how I was feeling was apparent in the tone of my passages. I was working on learning more about me from the inside out.

“The positive thing about writing is that you connect with yourself in the deepest way, and that is heaven. You get a chance to know who you are, to know what you think. You begin to have a relationship with your mind.” ~Natalie Goldberg (Writing down the bones)

I’m very thankful that I have kept my older journals, they are like the stepping-stones that have brought me to where I am now. The passages within, the memories, the sweet beginnings of rekindling my love of writing are all there.

“And I know how good it feels to explode from within, to see stars shining so bright inside.” lisalotusqueen

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