wings to the mind

Music is forever grasping my waist, gently but firmly it dances me all around; beautiful lyrics abound. I feel my eyes tingle with tears, emotion has her way while ego goes astray. I am stripped of my fears…music takes me there every time. Never have I been long without a rhyme in my mind…music heals me, loves me and allows me to truly be alone with me, myself and eye…no need to hide. Lyrics to songs, I feel the haunting long after the song is over…

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Rainfall means a call to write; about my life…

For those of you that don’t know…I am now ready to tell. I’m in the process of moving and starting a new chapter in my life…in Michigan. When I first came here last summer, I felt some sweet magic about this place; Detroit in particular. I couldn’t pinpoint it, I only knew what I felt and what I still feel when I am here. I’m not one to over explain myself when it comes to what is best for me these days…action is way more important. Why Michigan?  Well, for a myriad of reasons; the cost of living is cheaper, personal life changes, and really and truly, coming into my own. I’m very private, but when I’m ready to share my journey it pours out of me like the gift of rain after a long drought.

hzsxhaxou5f319Rewind about sixteen years ago; I was in my first year of college in North Carolina, getting used to my new-found freedom. But I was only meant to be there for a year…I moved to Florida at age 19 and started school again when I arrived. My mother, older sister, niece and nephew had already moved to Florida and so there I joined them. A part of me always felt torn at first, like; “why I am here?” Even in my younger years, I wanted to have a reason for major decisions in my life, but this one seemed to be more of a decision that my mother made for me. I do not feel regret at all for this decision like I used to…time and experiences have a way of “growing us”. I met the man who would become the father to our two daughters, and later my husband.

relationships-initiate-self-improvement-dr-diva-verdun1Beautiful, life lasting relationships were created while I lived in Florida and though many of those relationships have changed; they still resonate in my heart and are a part of me and my journey. My daughters are now young ladies and are growing ever so quickly. In 2006 we (my daughters and I) moved to Maryland (where I was born and raised) and 2 years of our lives were spent there. Soaking up family energy is what I needed to do at that time, but we returned to Florida. Sunshine warmed me, beaches called me and friendships grew from the seeds already planted…I began to blossom even more. I went back to school after a needed “mommy” break of raising my girls until they began school themselves. I felt like I had a mission to complete and so I looked into becoming a doula; a woman who provides emotional and physical support for laboring and new mothers. I loved the work I did…and the memories I now have of being in that sacred space for my clients. It made me think about becoming more in the world of birth and new motherhood. And so, my dreams now consist of becoming a future midwife; in Michigan!

5ac8c05ada08de05726f5c7de24de480So, yes, there truly have been so many changes on the horizon. It seems to be a mutual understanding from my family that moving to Michigan is a very positive change. They support me and have shared their happiness for me…and so have my friends in Florida. I love the coffee shops, the culture, the art and there’s a myriad of authentic markets. Good conversation starts at the drop of a dime and the soul of the people here is so strong. My girls enjoy the different places to eat, the art and the different seasons. I am looking for homes in the city as well as around the city. I’m not afraid of opinions, I’m afraid of not taking chances and regret. What does this mean for my family? Well, yes, change almost always means letting go of things as they were; I have let go of a lot in my life; particularly in Florida. Subconsciously, visiting the ocean always helped me to remember this…as I’d watch the waves come in and go back out just so…it always made me realize how fleeting time is. I did a lot of healing in Florida and mostly because it just was the place to do so…some changes I didn’t see coming, but it doesn’t mean they were bad changes. My marriage is one of these changes; my husband and I are no longer together, we are friends now and forever parents to our daughters; a new relationship has started for us. This isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new understanding. For a while, I felt like I failed…but why? Did I have too much of society’s expectations on my shoulders? Perhaps…but again, I do not regret this reality; I embrace it for what it has taught me. Sometimes; friendship comes in and saves the day or the moment. Our children will always know that their mama and daddy love them because they came from love; they don’t know anything else from their parents but love. Even though it was difficult at first, I didn’t want to be bitter after such a huge change. My happiness is a choice; always…my husband didn’t take my happiness away, it was always there. Yes, I cried and felt so broken for a while and confused…but my Spirit kept me strong. Not to mention my girls…talk about resilient!

e083251508b6796a04325106eedc0529I’m so thankful that they chose us to be their parents. I don’t know if I would have grown as much as I have without their presence. I think it is because of them that we are able to still maintain a friendship; their dad and I. And so, there it is…my life now…I really had a lot to say…I feel good though, that I shared. I needed to…this piece was long overdue. Florida will always be my second home and the first for my girls. That is a most beautiful truth that I will always cherish.

Love, Life and Good Vibes.

The path of the Twins

My beautiful Gemini Twin…I came to see you, making my rounds…had to see you and share a laugh or two…little did I know that there would be more in store…I would feel your words deep down to my core. You must have sensed what I needed to hear that night and a poem from your collection, you did openly share. As I listened intently, something struck me so suddenly…it was as if the words you had written were all about me. I looked up at you, tears streaming down my face…and you held my hand and it seemed to hold my soul in place. You said to me, “I know,” and at that point, I released…knowing that crying was okay in that beautiful space. I was so grateful to my Sister for sharing with me, words of wisdom from her own journey. She somehow knew what I needed to hear, words that would bring me even farther away from fear. Eternally grateful for the moment and lesson, and knowing that she and I have a blessed connection. I love you, my dear Sistar, Makeeba; you are the Abstract Oracle.

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Through the fire and rain

As a woman, I have deep internal guidance that has always been there and will never leave me. My job is to be open to it, tap into it and listen to it. This peace will never steer me wrong, this intuition is my heart’s song, my gift.

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Allow yourself to be felt with every fiber of your BEing, allow each emotion that comes up to be acknowledged and embraced for what it is. Say what has been on your heart, treat yourself with LOVE and ADORATION during your cycles. Our bodies truly radiate what they receive. We must love ourselves through the FIRE and the RAIN.

Birth memories…

“I loved her the moment I laid eyes on her; I wanted to hold her close and breathe her in.”

…She was such an intense little newborn, with a lusty cry, almost like a lion cub…my sun girl…dark hair covered the nape of her neck; I felt so magical about her and knew instantaneously that she would have this hold over me. Her name means “the Creator is beautiful”…I knew that my body had to heal but also that she needed me. Upon getting her home, it was like “what do we do now?” But she let me know and we slowly fell into a rhythm…I was thankful, truly.  She latched on perfectly when I began breastfeeding. I felt kind of emotional about my delivery, but feeling confident during breastfeeding somewhat superseded those thoughts. Time truly healed my spirits and watching how beautifully my baby girl was thriving gave me so much peace.

“Was there anything I was afraid of?”

When I think about my first birth experience, it was like there was a loss of control over the situation; my birth was in “someone else’s hands” and I felt very vulnerable being in a hospital setting to have my child. I remember how I felt emotionally, I was VERY nervous and my temperature had slightly risen. My contractions were gaining momentum and I was feeling weary and unsure. The energy from my nervousness was felt by my baby and when my water broke, it was not clear. A c-section was in order not long after; mostly related to concern over my baby’s heart rate, meconium in the amniotic fluid and “distress”. What was about to happen? I had not imagined that I’d have my baby born via a c-section. Everything was so sudden, I was scared as hell, yet prepared to do this and move through. I didn’t know what to feel at first about having a c-section and honestly after I saw my baby, I knew that she and I would be like two peas in a pod… Still, it would be a long road to recovery. The healing process was no joke…dealing with major abdominal and uterine surgery, and caring for an infant is a reality for many new mothers. Though I was thankful we were both okay, I did not wish to go through another c-section in the future…and so learning about a VBAC would be my next journey.
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A few years later; I was expecting my second baby and feeling more confident in my choices about how this birth would go. It seemed that when I shared the fact that I had a C-section with my first child; that I was automatically a candidate for an indefinite hospital birth and possibly another c-section; neither of which I desired. Hope came in the form of a midwife that some of my close friends had used for their births, she was spoken of highly and I definitely wanted to connect with her.

I felt confident with her when I met her and knew that she’d seen many babies come into this realm and her calling was to be a “gatekeeper”, a midwife. She had faith in my ability to birth my baby naturally this time around; something I wished to at least try. I wanted to have a clear mind on what would be taking place; I began comparing birth books that I read; my interests piqued from “What to Expect when You’re Expecting” to books written by Aviva Jill Romm and Sheila Kitzinger; women who spoke openly about birth, not to mention “Spiritual Midwifery” by Ina May Gaskin.

“I was about to embark on a new adventure as I planned to tread the waters of “natural birth”. I would be giving birth at home…”

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I remember the day like yesterday, being surrounded by my loved ones, and feeling reassured that every contraction was bringing me closer to seeing my little one. I remember how we prepared the room in which I would be laboring, I remember our trip to the store to gather the supplies we would need for my home birth. It was surreal; I couldn’t believe the moment had finally arrived. I remember the joy I felt when I went to the bathroom and noticed my mucus plug becoming “unplugged.” My contractions were coming but were not as intense yet, so I had some energy to rely on for the real work I had to do later. My midwife would not leave my side, she watched me as I walked around, ate, took a nap, laughed, bounced on my birth ball and then later; as I sighed. Doubt started to creep in right around the time the contractions were beginning to reach their peak, but I knew I had to stay with this energy… My beloved doula, a very close friend of mine who also had used the same midwife, rubbed my feet, she hugged me, and she asked me what I needed. I tried to keep a sense of humor, laughing with everyone when I could muster the strength to…I smelled food cooking in the kitchen as I walked around, now feeling the depth of the contractions. It was a beautiful day in March and I needed some air, and many a walk did I take that day. There was a lot of leaning and squatting…I wanted to get things moving, subconsciously I was accessing my inner power! I loved how I was working with gravity to assist me in labor; I was proud of myself. My midwife listened to my baby’s heart beat, she checked me, but not often, as she knew I was progressing well. I tried to rest in between contractions but it was not as easy or seemingly possible. However, I caught a few moments somehow…My tolerance for pain is not weak in the least bit, but this pain was overwhelming after a while. I also began feeling the baby moving down more, especially after all of the walking and squatting I had been doing. I knew that it was getting real, I was about to go to the point of no return. I started to become nervous, yet felt ready to experience this birth. I sat up in bed and listened intently as my midwife looked me in my eyes and calmly told me my baby was coming. She had tuned into me from the beginning and could naturally sense my hesitance…Her encouragement and the fire in her eyes was reassuring in the ways that I needed. I began feeling the desire to bear down, like an uncontrollable force had overtaken me; I felt my womb working to help my baby come forward. I actually was excited at the prospect of pushing during my contractions, working with them instead of against them was quite inviting to me…I sat up, my red flowery dress falling around my hips and released the energy needed to push. I felt the most indescribable feeling ever; my baby emerging from within. I paused between pushes, my midwife sitting in front of me and my partner next to me. She looked down and said she could see the baby’s head. I honestly can’t remember if I reached down to touch; but I knew I was close to delivering as I could feel the unmistakable “ring of fire.”
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For a split second I was in a state of ecstatic bliss and pain at the same time if that makes sense; I attempted to go within the blissful feeling but it was so subtle and just like that…I heard her cry and knew… the last and final push, I gave my all to and out she came. I felt so light; literally. I had another little girl; My little moon, her name means “heavenly child, wreath of flowers”. She had the biggest eyes and they looked me over and took me in just as I did with her. My midwife weighed her using a spring scale and she was 7 pounds even. She looked at me and said, “she’s a beautiful baby, mommy”…I smiled and felt the love in her words; her congratulations to me… Big sis came in the room after having not seeing mommy for a bit and we cuddled together, this was what my home birth was like. I would not have traded this for the world.

I’m in awe of the journey a woman can have during her birth…we have what we need. No woman ever forgets how she gave birth, how she felt, what she envisioned and her memories are part of her journey.

Listening to our inner voice is like having an internal compass, we just have to pay attention and follow its lead…since when has it ever been wrong?

Such is the case with our birth experiences…
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“I feel a little heart beating now, outside of my womb, yet still next to my heart…

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