This morning started off with me misplacing some things and getting annoyed because I could not find them. I then piggy backed off of those feelings to include more things that I could be upset about. I really had a pity party going and I was the only guest invited…a party that I started but was not enjoying at all. I needed to turn things around and quickly…what exactly was I upset about? I spoke with a friend and she encouraged me which brought me out of my funk and I found what I had misplaced…By then, I started to smile and breathe easier…it really wasn’t all that to begin with. I remembered that others are going through it much more deeply than I am…not to compare or feel bad about my “bad” days…but everything should always be put into perspective when and if “complaining” becomes a crutch. I am not a big complainer but sometimes, I do…I am only human. Some days I do ask why, even for journeys that are not my own…I just don’t like to see others in pain or going through difficult times. But without the bad there would be no good…there would be no true balance…
Oh how she showed out last night…I could feel her fiery energy reverberating through me, transforming me and opening me as I looked up into the sky.
I can feel the characteristics of the sign that the moon is in and Aries is a powerful sign that cannot and should not be underestimated. “Stopping before starting again” popped in my head and became my mantra. Not to mention that we are also in Mercury retrograde…”review it all and reassess my journey”, and most importantly; RESPECT the feelings that come up in the process.
Last night, as I watched the moon’s light become slowly enveloped by darkness, I thought of balance. Half light and half dark; yet still the same moon…that is me, in my true fullness of being; my authenticity.
Lunar eclipses mean change; embracing the “shadowy” places where emotions can sometimes take us. Usually I’m not afraid, but I have been guilty of pulling away, denying what is oh so present right before my eyes. The Moon does not give me that luxury; for in her fullness, she resonates with my emotions, she illuminates what is hidden, every time. I cannot hide from her intensity, but then, why would I even want to?
As I watched the moon become fully covered, she then took on a deep red hue, and I felt her in all her glory. The clouds had made way for her as she took her rightful place in my spirit…I felt her energy and humbled myself; accepting the messages; quietly but confidently still. With her, there is no need to pretend, to have an internal tug of war with myself or to fear what I feel. Everything is validated and will be attended to, if not in this moment, then for moments to come.
The tears want to come and so,
I do not stop them…
Releasing and feeling can be kind of intense;
sometimes, I want to try and make sense of it all…
but, I can’t. I express my emotions at will…tears don’t halt or
stand still. They fall and, me, I let go…of my stronghold…the need to control,
loosening my grip…feeling water at the tip of my nose…crying out, being open.
Recently, as time has passed, I have been in the energy of releasing the need to be emotionally locked in to my feelings and how they are expressed. Being in this emotional prison had me in a cycle of constant worry about how the things I expressed would be accepted. But why worry if I am operating from a place of love? When I’m operating from that genuine space, the masks are removed, it is just me and spirit. This is where I need to be always…in a place of authenticity. It is an ongoing journey, but I feel that so much growth has taken place inside my heart.
This evening I decided to read through one of my old journals that I started in 2009 and believe it or not so much of what I had written was speaking to me now more than ever before. It wasn’t so long ago that I began this journal, but I was definitely in a different place emotionally. Inside of these pages I read through quotes, thoughts and passages I had composed from deep inside of my heart. Love seemed to be the driving force for most of what I had written; I felt a desire to reconnect my spirit to this emotion that has carried me so far, in my darkest of hours. I remember where I was mentally when I began this journal; and writing was my strength. The way I put my words together to express how I was feeling was apparent in the tone of my passages. I was working on learning more about me from the inside out.
“The positive thing about writing is that you connect with yourself in the deepest way, and that is heaven. You get a chance to know who you are, to know what you think. You begin to have a relationship with your mind.” ~Natalie Goldberg (Writing down the bones)
I’m very thankful that I have kept my older journals, they are like the stepping-stones that have brought me to where I am now. The passages within, the memories, the sweet beginnings of rekindling my love of writing are all there.
“And I know how good it feels to explode from within, to see stars shining so bright inside.” lisalotusqueen
Trust to me means being in my “true state”…being in my “true state” means trusting in the process of letting go of what I cannot control. My true state is not one of worry or fear but of love and peace. Peace inside of my heart, peace surrounding my spirit and peace of mind. At any given moment, my thoughts could get the best of me, if I so choose, but I choose instead to trust. I want to be in my true state as often as possible; all of the time would be ideal, but it is definitely a work in progress to just allow. Allowing is oh so beautiful when it is coming from that place inside of me that trusts what is happening even without knowing what’s next.