She is my emotional compass…always showing me what I feel ever so gently yet firmly…in her light, I am truly alright…I love her so…no words, but expression in the truest form. I bask in her presence, she is pushing me ever so closely to embracing my fullness…
Some cannot accept the intensity of me…the waxing and waning of my emotions, often makes folks flee…but that is okay. I’m not a “one size fits all” kind of woman and so it is fine by me. You won’t catch me crying tears over you, but I will see you again, trust me and when I do, it is you that will be crying. I do love you and I always will, but you just have too strong of a will. You want things your way, no matter what I do or what I say. Any day but today, I would have been okay with that logic, but you can take that and kick rocks with it. Let me shine for a damn change, stop blocking me with your clouds of gloom and doubt when what I really want to do is shout to the top of my lungs, sing my song that has yet to be sung. Oh you get it now? Great, because the “explanation” bit has grown quite old…and we both know that we are too mature for such childish antics. So let me scoot on with the quickness, I don’t want to miss this life, waiting around for you to feel “alright”…
I regret not taking more time to grow as an individual, I regret not being fully open with my feelings, suppressing them out of fear. I didn’t say “No,” enough or practice enough self love. In the grand scheme of things, self love was what was missing. Self love lives in my spirit, gratitude lives in my heart. It is not too late to practice self love; I can start by saying; I’m only human. Gratitude is me really saying I am truly grateful. Some days, I feel like I am on top of the world and on my spiritual game to a “T.” But I cry sometimes, I used to feel weak when I cried, like I failed again and miserably. I was great at holding in my emotions and crying in my room where no one could see my tears. All of that energy built up inside me and screamed for an outlet, for a place where it was okay to be vulnerable. It was not a weakness, it was my ego beginning to melt like snow to reveal the passionate warmth of my spirit. I know I love deeply, and I have been hurt because of it, it is a blessing and a curse.
Truthfully at the end of the day, I am not perfect when it comes to love, life and navigating through the watery world of emotions. I have been hurt, and I have been wide open with love, embracing it and using it as my all to get through even the most difficult of times. It has been there for me, and the concept of self love finally has been settling more into my spirit, becoming so much more real to me and accepted as a means to be the woman I need to be. I had a dream this week and when I woke up, I remembered it and wrote the details that I could remember in my dream journal.
I remember wading through an ocean and coming upon a huge stadium with seats that rose so high up into the sky. It seemed to be rising from under the water as if it was grounded in the ocean floor. I remember I had some bags hanging from my arm and some items in my hand, personal perhaps, but I wouldn’t let them go to grab onto something to pull myself out of the water. The waves were getting higher and I kept trying to use my chin to hang on to safety; in my mind’s eye, I could feel my spirit saying; “let go” but it took me so long to do it. I finally lifted myself out of the water and I climbed higher and higher, viewing others around me either doing the same or sitting in the seats. I felt scared, surprised and calm at the same time; if that is possible. I couldn’t shake the fact that the water was getting higher and higher though. I woke up just before the dream could take me to the next step or event, but I do remember feeling like if the water covers us, we will all just adapt instantaneously and swim, even though I was a little uncertain.
I looked online to see if I could decipher this dream; maybe attempt to make more sense of the events. I looked up “water” and “waves” on Dream moods, a wonderful website for interpreting dreams. (Please see my You Tube video on dreams!)
Dreams about water represent our emotional state and how we express ourselves through them. My holding onto “things” in my dream and not letting go represented something deeper…was I subconsciously afraid of change and holding on to the familiar to suppress that reality? I am thinking about my emotional level right now and while I am blissful most of the time, perhaps I still am holding so much inside; my dichotomy.
In my dream; could the ever rising water have represented my emotions engulfing my spirit? The water was eerily familiar, like a lifetime of my tears. I was grateful that I remembered this dream, and that I attempted to make peace with it, whatever it may have meant for me. My sadness has been my baggage for a long time, I held onto it and expected it, attempting to be a martyr through it. Knowing that if I just braved “one more storm” I would be stronger, but in essence, expecting sadness and allowing it to be a way of life for me was not making me stronger. I had to do things differently. I pay attention to the dreams I have, they always mean something to me…I am also giving my spirit more attention these days, it used to be so easy to hide my emotions to the world and keep it moving, but like a volcano, pent up energy, sadness, anger and unresolved issues will erupt eventually.