Aquarius New Moon Dreams

Last night, I dreamed of desiring to “speak in Mermaid”…and I am serious as I ever will be! My dreams last night were a slide show of pure magic. In them, I embraced my loves; my children, my dear sisters, my family…and I wanted to know how I could be even more magical. I owe it to the New Moon in Aquarius; the boundary breaker. Aquarius sees with eyes that not all see through; they open new doors to new possibilities. The ethereal, “Water Bearer” yet an air sign with ever-present knowledge. They believe in what is yet to come and often feel light years away from this mundane world. I burned a candle (sat it in a bowl of water) and drifted off to sleep. I sometimes dream so sweetly that when I awake, I try to fall back asleep and pick up where I left off, but that rarely happens! So, I pull out a journal and write as much as I can remember. Last night was so special; it was if all that I love was wrapped around my heart; squeezing it so tightly that bliss rained around me. I woke up feeling promise, joy and a knowing deep inside that my life is moving towards everything I have been wishing for. My older daughter said to me; “Mama, January has been like the Monday of all months”…I couldn’t agree more. I went into this new year thinking, believing, knowing that things would be alright…I almost gave in to the tears that trailed my path because it wasn’t exactly what I had envisioned for the beginning of 2017…it was like remnants of 201wanted to hold onto me just a bit longer. But I have to keep swimming into the depths of the unknown…it is after all just the beginning.

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Reverie

The cold slows me down but triggers my inner fire to keep me going.

Now is the time to write to my heart’s desire… We are nearing the end of another year and I embrace the coming of a new one with absolutely no fear. If I came this far, then I can only go farther…Music soothes my soul as I write…I spent this morning having tea and thinking deeply. I am turning the pages in the book of my life with certainty…certain that this new year will no doubt bring out the best in me. All that I have been holding back is coming back around with full force…a new beginning, a new face grinning in the sunshine…at all of the possibilities. Sometime, I get caught up in the ecstasy of my thoughts; wishing that I could be living a certain way, but shut them down to my dismay…but why? My desires are not too extraordinary at all, and if I wish, I can fit all of it into my heart. I have found ways to stay strong through it all, to keep moving in a specific direction even when my soul is no longer glowing. That is not living, it is going through the motions, being mundane and inundated with outdated modes of thinking. I know I deserve to wake every day with promise; promise to be the best woman, mother and lover I can be…I embrace my reveries and my soul dances with passion at the mere thought of the depths I desire to reach. And so, with many years behind me of just accepting what was, I now move forward with what will be.

There is promise in these words as I type them, strength…seeds being planted in the darkness of winter which will bloom in the Spring. 

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Breathing life into 2016

Eye see invigorating experiences,  I am dancing to soul stirring music and I have new relationships and endless possibilities for me to birth myself into in 2016. The birth pangs were felt deeply in 2015, and at one point I almost thought I’d be winding my way through the tunnel of stagnation forever..but everything happens when it is supposed to; when I am ready to receive it.

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It is also about perspective…perhaps things I had not given a second thought to before are back for a review! We are in Mercury retrograde, which sometimes can make us feel like shrinking back and taking extra time with “big” decisions. But all is well…relax, review and remain calm will be my mantra. In 2015, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, but now I see the forest, the sky and the gift of clear vision. It was tough owning my mistakes and assessing where I was in life and where I planned to go…some things could have waited, some things needed more time than I had been giving and are now at the forefront of my journey.

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I have the biggest desire to see  my dreams come to fruition, and they need my fuel, not fear…or they will suffocate and cease to exist. I know I didn’t come this far to “barely exist.” I have two young people depending on me, two souls, my mirrors reflecting the zeal I possessed about life for as long as I can remember; my daughters. I am not one to give too much energy to other folks opinions, at least not anymore, but my daughters…yes, I care all day about what they think and have to say. I always tell them not to ever talk themselves out of what is good for their spirit, not even me or their papa. I know what it is like to wish and regret choices, but there are only lessons, never mistakes unless we “choose” to do something again knowing it will have repercussions. Success is different for everyone, the success that I see encompasses me and my very being. So, for now, writing and affirming my desires on a daily basis is where my focus needs to be. I am more powerful than I believed  myself to be, so much so that at times I didn’t realize I was exercising my power to be “less than” what I know I truly could be. It’s time to be “more than” I ever dreamed I could be and then some…Happy New Year…keep breathing life into your dreams…

Lotus flowers and birth power

So, I have this huge dream of mine that I plan to make a reality…it all began some years ago when I was expecting my first child. The midwife I had at the time owned a birth center and it was a beautiful home that she’d bought. She turned each of the rooms into “birthing” rooms where mothers could labor and deliver their baby. I remember the softness of the rooms, the bright sunshine that poured into them and the warm colors in the home. I fell in love with the idea and didn’t think more about doing it myself until now. I am currently a doula, and I am planning to become a midwife. I want my birth center to be in the heart of the city, and I want to be there for mothers and families during one of the most beautiful experiences of their lives; the birth of a child.

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I like to call myself a “seasoned” doula. I have experienced many seasons in birth; winter, summer, spring and fall. I know what it is like to be in this beautiful space with a mother…I also know what it is like personally. Having had my own personal experiences with birth and loss, I don’t think there is a mother out there that I could not be there for. Doulas, midwives and birth-workers in general are needed now more than ever before and I am ready to pick up where I’ve left off. I can hear the calls, feel the energy and see the need. I cannot deny what I love, what my gift is and what brings me so much joy… Birth and all the energy surrounding it gives me life. I’ve never not teared up at seeing a new life come into this world…It is time to return to innocence! So it will be. I see a big space, with a nice porch, a yard with lots of trees and flowers for those moms who want to be outside during their laboring hours…I see paintings adorning the walls of moms and babies…I see myself; talking with and encouraging my clients just as my midwife did for me in the months preceding my birth. I feel so complete when I think about it all…I even envision my daughters being a part of this dream. I can’t wait to make it a reality…the only thing that awaits me, is me…

“sweet little spirit, we await your presence…ever patient are we for you to come, take your time precious one”

I think I will have this engraved above the door to the entrance of my birth center. 🙂

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An Ocean of Emotion

I regret not taking more time to grow as an individual, I regret not being fully open with my feelings, suppressing them out of fear. I didn’t say “No,” enough or practice enough self love. In the grand scheme of things, self love was what was missing. Self love lives in my spirit, gratitude lives in my heart. It is not too late to practice self love; I can start by saying; I’m only human. Gratitude is me really saying I am truly grateful. Some days, I feel like I am on top of the world and on my spiritual game to a “T.” But I cry sometimes, I used to feel weak when I cried, like I failed again and miserably. I was great at holding in my emotions and crying in my room where no one could see my tears. All of that energy built up inside me and screamed for an outlet, for a place where it was okay to be vulnerable. It was not a weakness, it was my ego beginning to melt like snow to reveal the passionate warmth of my spirit. I know I love deeply, and I have been hurt because of it, it is a blessing and a curse.

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Truthfully at the end of the day, I am not perfect when it comes to love, life and navigating through the watery world of emotions. I have been hurt, and  I have been wide open with love, embracing it and using it as my all to get through even the most difficult of times. It has been there for me, and the concept of self love finally has been settling more into my spirit, becoming so much more real to me and accepted as a means to be the woman I need to be. I had  a dream this week and when I woke up, I remembered it and wrote the details that I could remember in my dream journal. 

I remember wading through an ocean and coming upon a huge stadium with seats that rose so high up into the sky. It seemed to be rising from under the water as if it was grounded in the ocean floor. I remember I had some bags hanging from my arm and some items in my hand, personal perhaps, but I wouldn’t let them go to grab onto something to pull myself out of the water. The waves were getting higher and I kept trying to use my chin to hang on to safety; in my mind’s eye, I could feel my spirit saying; “let go” but it took me so long to do it. I finally lifted myself out of the water and I climbed higher and higher, viewing others around me either doing the same or sitting in the seats. I felt scared, surprised and calm at the same time; if that is possible. I couldn’t shake the fact that the water was getting higher and higher though. I woke up just before the dream could take me to the next step or event, but I do remember feeling like if the water covers us, we will all just adapt instantaneously and swim, even though I was a little uncertain.

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I looked online to see if I could decipher this dream; maybe attempt to make more sense of the events. I looked up “water” and “waves” on Dream moods, a wonderful website for interpreting dreams. (Please see my You Tube video on dreams!) 

Dreams about water represent our emotional state and how we express ourselves through them. My holding onto “things” in my dream and not letting go represented something deeper…was I subconsciously afraid of change and holding on to the familiar to suppress that reality? I am thinking about my emotional level right now and while I am blissful most of the time, perhaps I still am holding so much inside; my dichotomy. 

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In my dream; could the ever rising water have represented my emotions engulfing my spirit? The water was eerily familiar, like a lifetime of my tears. I was grateful that I remembered this dream, and that I attempted to make peace with it, whatever it may have meant for me. My sadness has been my baggage for a long time, I held onto it and expected it, attempting to be a martyr through it. Knowing that if I just braved “one more storm” I would be stronger, but in essence, expecting sadness and allowing it to be a way of life for me was not making me stronger. I had to do things differently. I pay attention to the dreams I have, they always mean something to me…I am also giving my spirit more attention these days, it used to be so easy to hide my emotions to the world and keep it moving, but like a volcano, pent up energy, sadness, anger and unresolved issues will erupt eventually.