Heather…

I named my newest car Heather. She is a 2002 gray beauty and I am thankful for her. I had been without a ride since summertime of 2020. I can’t quite remember the model at the moment, but I know she is a “Mercury” something or other. She was previously owned by a woman who is now in her 90s and not driving much these days…The car was a gift from a very special and sweet spirited person. I spent a few hours yesterday happily cleaning it out and getting it ready for the road. I had some anxious moments where I thought I’d go mad if I couldn’t ride out somewhere, anywhere…I just needed to drive, to feel the wind against my skin, and hear the sound of tires against roads with no particular destination in mind.

…But alas, the Universe works in such mysterious ways. So, here’s to new adventures with Heather. 💋🙏🏾☀️☀️

Retrograde review

Just one more day…of Mercury’s retrograde, the first of this New Year and wow was it transitional for me. Usually, I go about my normal routine when I know a retrograde in Mercury is pending and I try very hard to be patient with myself. I’m a Gemini sun sign with Virgo rising and my Mercury is in Gemini, this is major for me! My three R’s come into play during the retrograde period; relax, review and remain calm as much as I can. However, during this particular retrograde, a new “R” came about; a reawakening. I was not expecting to invest so much emotionally during this retrograde, but I did, which was strengthening in a way. Especially connecting with my inner child and addressing things that caused painful memories. Creating a ritual that honored my little girl self gave way to forgiveness and allowing more room into my heart space for new experiences and love.

Inner-Child-CD-Final-

Josephine Wall "Nature boy"
Josephine Wall “Nature boy”

It was almost surreal; friends that I hadn’t seen in years came to my hometown and we connected, remembering times that seemed so far away from now. We shared laughs and stories of how we met, while watching our children interacting together as if time had never stopped for them. I thought of times when my life was transitioning and unfolding into new experiences; such as motherhood and so much more. Images, flashbacks and moments that have passed over the years suddenly were at the forefront of my life again as I remembered who I was, and who I still am but in a different capacity. I was deeply immersed in documentaries, books and discussions about the mystical aspects of life during this retrograde as well, just wanting to go deeper.

Silence (Lao Tzu)

There was silence, yet my mind was noisy with thoughts that had never left me. I honored those memories and also honored the time I needed for clarity. I went to bed early some nights, wanting to write but not knowing how to get it all out. The inevitable feelings of anxiety about things I had been so sure of before the retrograde were tapping me on my shoulder for a different perspective and it was kind of exhausting. But I knew that trusting the process has been the best way forward so far. Thankfully the full moon in Leo was a very robust, joyful, enlightening and jovial moon and her balance was so welcome during this retrograde. So, while this time has most definitely been a major journey inward, I will relish the memories of it all as I make my way forward.

Reflecting on the Past, loving the Present; embracing the Future

I wrote this piece some time ago…I took it out and read it today, feeling so drawn to the words and also reflective; noting the changes that have taken place since I’ve written this…

“She is a “good” woman by society’s standards; she is happily married, with two beautiful children, lives in a wonderful community, works part-time, writes in her spare time and loves to go out with her friends when she has “free” time. She feels so blessed and thankful for such a rich life. Family and friends that are as close to her heart as the moon is to the stars. She ponders life often, wonders about its mysteries and feels excited about its many possibilities. She does her best to stay in the moment, enjoying the sunshine, the joy; going through the rain and sometimes the pain. Learning that sometimes, instead of trying to stay dry, she should let the rain pour over her and through her soul, symbolically cleansing what might be stagnant and old. The thing is, she settles; she makes excuses for herself and later regrets them, always masking how she really feels…She is trying to rise above the stress that has built up over time. She doesn’t want to keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different outcome, for that would be insanity. She will not be afraid, even when those she loves the most let her down…She has to turn things around, she often feels overwhelmed and heavy with so many changes in so little time. She wonders why at times she is treated like she committed a crime when all she did, wants to do and needs to do is be herself. There is such a place where she can be herself; for she knows it well, it is deep inside her soul. She has been, it is a place where she can laugh, smile and enjoy just being at peace with those around her. How freeing it is to be accepted…we should never take for granted the relationships we have with those who love us…who really love us and don’t waste precious time criticizing or fault-finding. Life is too short, leave words of love rather than words of fear or anger; for tomorrow is not promised.”

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When I wrote this piece, I was having some inner turmoil, I knew that my life needed to change and soon. I have been a master at disguising my pain behind a smile, a laugh and even telling myself that I was okay when deep down, I wasn’t. I felt like a failure when I couldn’t just “be happy” with everything that I had in my life. But there are two things that cannot long be hidden; the moon and the truth…My truth was trying so hard to come out, but I suppressed it…and I suffered when I suppressed it…many things have changed in my life since, but it is truly an ongoing road for me…the journey has not ended, it has begun and I have been going places I never even imagined. I allowed myself to shine from the inside out, and it feels so freeing, so alive, so right. I love the woman I have become so far, she is a testament to BEing authentic and real.

Summer days, New ways…of BEing

This summer, I took a road trip to Michigan while I was in Maryland to visit with some of my beautiful sisters and share in the energy of the New Moon in Leo. The vibe was lovely, the energy was radiant and I felt my spirit rise from the love I felt. I felt overcome with joy and laughter as I connected on an emotional level with other women; sharing a common bond was like water to my soul. The encouragement to freely embrace myself where I am in my life yet desire for more was laid upon my psyche like a reassuring warm blanket. I also felt warmth and security with my family in Maryland as I always do. I felt my spirit become energized with each laugh I shared, or loving glance and also as I watched my girls create their own memories this summer in Maryland with our family and friends. I cherished this time for I knew it would pass all too soon and it did. I made the drive back home to Florida, memories in tow and no tears were shed during the drive. However, as I typed this and remembered my time at the ocean last night to welcome the Full Moon, I cried. I knew it was a form of releasing and cleansing for my Spirit…and so I welcomed the tears.

from the blog www.stuckincustoms.com

 

My trip to Maryland allowed me the chance to nurture a part of myself that had subconsciously been forgotten. The mysterious part of myself that has a voice and has always been there, making me the woman I am.  I have heard her speaking for so long, but I heard her as a whisper, barely audible. Had she been there all along awaiting her turn to be heard? For years I placed her neatly on a proverbial shelf, like a book, checking in with her once in a while. But most recently, this year to be exact, she shouted so long and so loud that I could no longer ignore her. She demanded recognition and attention and would no longer settle for anything less.

 

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This summer, I remembered how, as a little girl, my intuitive and adventurous side led the way; and how connected I was to my feelings. I was not afraid of being in nature and I loved everything about it. Walking in the woods, swinging freely on rope swings and climbing trees high into the sky excited me to no end. Skinned knees from bike races, splinters or fear never stopped me for long. My passion was unwavering as a little girl. Often I would use the term “tomboy” to describe myself as a child, but I’d like to think that I was more spirited than anything else.  As I took my girls to the home in Maryland where I spent my younger years, memories of running around the yard, picking juicy, dark blackberries off of the blackberry tree and hiding in the tall bamboo plants came rushing in. I warmly recalled how vibrant and enchanting it was to tap into those childhood memories. I also remember how much I had to say, at a very young age. I was aware of my voice and how speaking my thoughts caused either positive or negative reactions with those around me.

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Somewhere along the way though, my voice quieted…It became easier to just say what others wanted to hear and be accepted than to really express myself and risk rejection or disapproval. I still had a voice, a passion and desire to be heard but the overwhelming need for approval took over and that need began to silence my spontaneity. My life experiences, quiet time alone, motherhood, my relationships, my losses and my undying will to dig deeper has kept me going and has awakened the sleeping Grizzly bear out of her slumber. I am a woman who finds passion in being her unique self and who has a voice that echoes like thunder if she wills it to. It feels so good to remember this about myself and to be among those who know their power and are not afraid of it.

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I rekindled with that aspect of my being, vowing that I would never reject my true feelings; my voice.  When we have done something for so long, without giving a  thought to it, it becomes second nature; a habit. For a long time I was used to allowing others to speak for me, and thought it was okay because of who they were to me.  I didn’t want to disappoint those that I loved and I didn’t want to disagree too often for it was too much work. But what happens inside when we take that route in life? The delicate balance inside of us becomes imbalanced, we lose our voice and along with it our power. I also learned that my voice could be expressed with nonverbal action. As much as I love to use words to create articles, poems and stories, I enjoy using action as a way to express myself even more.

My family road trip is now over. I have beautiful pictures and memories swirling around in my head to remember my journey. I also have a new path, more clarity and a voice that will speak volumes as everything begins to unfold around me. I have been among other beautiful souls who speak with strength, who move with grace and defined purpose and they are all my mirrors, my reflections. I cherish the time that I had to go deep within my spirit this summer. Now is the beginning of a new awareness about myself  that I will embrace fiercely and purposefully. Love will continually be my guide. Peace and Light.

 

 

Being still and listening

Sometimes the intensity of decision-making can be overwhelming for me; especially when I over think things. I tend to weigh out each possible scenario in hopes of making the decision a little easier. I know I need to flow with what my spirit is telling me. It’s so hard sometimes though when I want answers now or clarity is seemingly nowhere to be found.

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What do we do when life hands us situations that we really don’t know how to readily respond to? As a child, many decisions concerning my life were made for me, even when I became a young woman. I had to learn to trust my own intuition and learn to listen to that still voice within even with all of the commotion from others who “knew” what was best for me. It hasn’t been the easiest thing for me to do, but when I gauge how I feel deep inside about trusting myself, I feel powerful and I desire to stay in that energy.

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I don’t always propose to know the answer and sometimes I feel weak when I say, “I don’t know” but in essence, there is also power in that statement. We aren’t always meant to know what to do in any given situation. Perhaps we are meant to be still and listen; imagine that! The answers do come eventually, and often at times when we least expect them to. We rethink situations and feel more at ease with responding to them when we have had time to just release them outward.

meditating

I’ve always desired to just “know” innately what to do whenever a situation arises, but sometimes I don’t and that truly is okay. Life is constantly teaching me this, along with a dose of patience. I remember a time in my life when making big decisions sometimes caused me anxiety and I would purposely give the decision-making over to someone else, but the dependency was causing problems. I had a voice, it was loud and clear when I wanted it to be, but drowned out when I was too scared to open up. Today, I exercise my voice in my writing, talking and even through silence because sometimes it truly is silence that speaks a thousand words.