Winter is near and I am not afraid…I am ready to hibernate, to get to know who I am in this intimate space…so that I can emerge in the Spring, ready to begin again. No more pretending, no more waiting, no more feeling sorry and regretful for the things I did not do. Tomorrow is a new day, however, today I am here and ready to begin again. No faltering, no halting, full speed ahead I travel to my rightful destination. Beneath the ground, my roots go deep, connected to the core…I’m like the waves on the shore, stopping and starting again and again, gaining momentum and becoming more powerful. Washing away all that does not define who I am deep inside, I must let it ride. It is okay, for whatever I release gives me the peace of mind I so desperately need.
I’m looking at the last time I blogged and it has been a while, not because I haven’t had anything to write but because my time has been occupied with soul rejuvenating experiences. These past few weeks, quality time was spent with my daughters and I really treasured every minute. We were enraptured in laughter, new sights, new sounds and new moments that we will keep close to our hearts. I felt confirmation for all of the visions that I have for us, we are truly moving forward in so many ways. To be consciously aware of what life can open you up to is a beautiful thing. No longer do I fear making big decisions that will impact my life for the better…even when I know that everyone around me will not always agree. I don’t live my life to appease others, I live my life to be a beautiful example of what can happen if I just allow. This was not an easy place to come to, in fact, the destination is yet to be reached, but I am on my way. We are on our way…the sensation of confirmation rests deeply in my spirit and is shining from a place that I feel with so much passion; my heart.
My beautiful Gemini Twin…I came to see you, making my rounds…had to see you and share a laugh or two…little did I know that there would be more in store…I would feel your words deep down to my core. You must have sensed what I needed to hear that night and a poem from your collection, you did openly share. As I listened intently, something struck me so suddenly…it was as if the words you had written were all about me. I looked up at you, tears streaming down my face…and you held my hand and it seemed to hold my soul in place. You said to me, “I know,” and at that point, I released…knowing that crying was okay in that beautiful space. I was so grateful to my Sister for sharing with me, words of wisdom from her own journey. She somehow knew what I needed to hear, words that would bring me even farther away from fear. Eternally grateful for the moment and lesson, and knowing that she and I have a blessed connection. I love you, my dear Sistar, Makeeba; you are the Abstract Oracle.
Being a sap for nature will truly be the death of me…I really feel that way, I have this soft spot in my heart for animals that has been with me since childhood. Wanting to save the neighborhood kittens, cringing when I would see a dog in the street or begging my mother to help me with yet another rescue of a distressed animal. And it hasn’t changed really, which I’m fine with, but there are times when I feel overwhelmed by the emotions that play out in these instances. Such is the story of a Great Blue Heron, that my daughters lovingly named “Wind”. Wind loved to fly in to fish near the lake behind our townhouse. I had created a few posts on my Google blog about how one day, my youngest daughter noticed that she had fishing twine wrapped around her legs. The situation was preventing her to stand on both of her legs. This of course meant trouble fishing, which could be detrimental for a Great Blue Heron. We kept a close eye on her, and noticed how she would come flying in when we were out throwing bread for the ducks onto the lake. Perhaps she was trying to fish? Often she would try, but most of the time, she would eat the bread landing and floating around her. We were very happy that she could still fly but worried about her legs. So we called our local wildlife center to report the heron. They did try to come out a couple of times but she would fly away when she sensed them close by. We spoke softly to her in the evenings, my youngest daughter and I, sometimes with her sister, sometimes just us. We were grateful for how she seemed to trust us as she would not fly away when we were close to her.
Finally, one day, there was knock on my door and I could see that the heron had been rescued. One of the wildlife rescuers held up a clear plastic bag with the fishing twine that became embedded in her legs such that when they removed it from her, it exposed a deep cut on the leg that she had not been able to stand on. I talked for a bit with the guys, and they shared with me that they had used fish to get her to come closer to them. She was so hungry for it that it took her off guard. I felt a tinge of worry about her legs but felt good that she would be helped. We reach our hands out to touch her soft deep, grey feathers; she was a beautiful bird and we could see that she was afraid by looking in her eyes.
A few days went by and I called to check on Wind. I was informed that she was a bit stressed but doing ok. She received treatment and her legs were bandaged up to begin healing. The lady I spoke with shared with me that they would bring her back to our location when she was healed. We felt a sense of relief and our lives resumed with the busyness of school, work, writing (for me), field trips and the sweet call of summer nearing. After a few weeks, my youngest asked me to call the wildlife center to check on Wind. I wanted to do it, and every time I meant to, something would come up or I would forget. Today though, I called. I had a feeling of uncertainty and it was confirmed when I was told that Wind, the Great Blue Heron had died later in the evening on the same day that I had called a few weeks ago. I was sad, I looked out onto the lake and knew that she was not coming back. I told my girls, they were quiet for the first few minutes. I hugged them and told them it was okay to be sad, and even okay to cry. I told them sometimes we may not always understand why, even though we wish we could. I was quiet as well, but I tried not to let it get to me. After all, these things happen. But just this afternoon as I sat outside eating my lunch and looked out onto the lake, I cried. I cried because even though this was an animal, it still hurt. Her element was here, this lake was all she knew. I anticipated the day when she would return, but it was not to be. This was yet another lesson for me; things don’t always end the way I think they should end. Such is life; the embodiment of change. A day can bring any new thing, or situation. We never know. What I am at peace with is that my children learned a lesson in empathy. We did what we could on our end, we helped another that could not help herself and for that my heart rejoices.
“Motherhood is a sacred dance; a second chance to see the purity in our being.”~Lisalotusqueen
I am not my past mistakes…Lately, I have felt the need to resonate with this mantra when I hear my ego whispering in my ear, “Haven’t you been down this road before?” My spirit counteracts this energy with “you are not who you used to be; “you have grown and are still growing, like a beautiful flower.”
As mothers, we are caretakers, matchmakers, lovers, creators; we can do so much. But, we are also prone to being “superwoman” during our journey as mothers, needing to take care of everything at all times. I had chosen this way of being and did it effortlessly, or so I thought. I was burning myself out and didn’t even realize until the signs became loud and clear.
Growing a tiny human as a woman and then growing that same child as a mother is one of the most misunderstood yet amazing feats ever taken in life. I have caught myself feeling overwhelmed at the prospect before me and became doubtful more often than not. “You are such a wonderful mother, your children are so sweet, you are doing a great job!” Those are strengthening words to a mother but if she doubts herself, they won’t matter too much. I have felt unsure often, but I thrived off of the peace I felt within, knowing I was doing my best. It has been easy most days, but difficult as well. I felt the need to hide my tears; I’m not supposed to cry about this! I have this motherhood thing down like a science…and I do, I know how to expertly care for my children. I love them endlessly, I feed them healthy foods so they can grow big and be well, we head out to the park for hours of play, and we read bedtime stories almost every night. But what about the times when I don’t have a quick remedy or I feel uncertain? I realized the best thing I could do in those moments was allow my children to see me in my vulnerability. When we can reveal that side to our children, the connection we have with them is more genuinely felt. After all, don’t many children readily express their emotions with us on a daily basis without any inhibitions?
My children have seen me grieve, cry, laugh and even be scared and I’m proud to say that. I’m a human being first and foremost; with a range of emotions and imperfections. I used to think that somehow I had to push all of that under a rug for their sake, and I have, many times. I wanted them to know that I would not fall apart, I would keep it together, even if I had to pretend for a while. Their peace of mind was extremely important to me and still is. But what we forget is how resilient children are, we really don’t give them credit for the tenacity they possess.
My children know and sense the protective lioness energy in their mama, but they also know that I have been weak. So on Mother’s day, I salute us and send precious love to all mothers on this unforgettable journey. We are stronger than we know but it is also okay for us to express our emotions. Motherhood seems to be under-appreciated in the West, and it is pretty evident. We have to jump through many hoops when we begin wearing that title, and why? We really thrive so much better when we have a sense of being; of community that upholds us in our role as mothers and encourages us. The dance of motherhood is a sacred dance, we see our children through many stages in life; infancy, childhood, adolescence and finally adulthood. We do all of this without clear guidance as to what to do in each stage; we learn by trial and error very often. We are unique, extraordinary and amazing women to be able to balance all of that and more. Motherhood is undoubtedly one of the greatest mysteries of life. Relating to our children in all stages of their lives as we enter different stages in our own lives is a testament to our depth and capabilities as mothers.
I decided to take it easy this evening, I would enjoy a warm bath with candles for light and music from one of my favorite Pandora stations. I listened intently as Sade’s sultry voice belted out the lyrics to “Love is stronger than pride”. I love that song with a passion; specifically the lyrics and the emotion I feel as I allow the music to penetrate down deep within my heart space. For awhile I imagined myself far away, listening to waves crash against the shore as I stared out with stars in my eyes. I thought of what Sade might have been feeling when she wrote this song and I telepathically thanked her for such a gift to the “love songs” category. I was in deep thought tonight and it was nice to reflect on how far I have come with the notion of love indeed being stronger than pride.