Peace inside me…

 

052

Today was a rough day and I’m not even fully understanding why…I just know I was “off”…I think part of the problem though, has been acceptance of myself and what I truly yearn for… I have struggled with crippling self-doubt for a very long time…Oh yeah, most would not even suspect it because I keep a smile on my face, I joke a lot and I am overall a congenial and genuine person for the most part. However, I don’t readily share when I’m sad or down; I could be crying tears in a room for hours and come out looking like a beauty queen…because I don’t want others to feel my pain, I have to be strong, that’s what I know best! This has been a very intense burden to carry and I must be open to new ways of dealing with it…Being strong means accepting parts of myself that I’ve skimmed the surface with…

But alas, angels do come in many forms and when they talk to me, I find myself smiling and saying, “Wow…I did not know I made you feel that way!” I have been so enraptured at what others have had to say about me, in a good way no doubt..and I think to myself; why am I trying so hard to find a balance when I’m seen the way I am?? And my spirit is like; “Be more gentle because you have to see how beautiful you are inside, especially when others do!” I definitely could stand to be softer with myself in that regard…I live by forgiveness and have had to forgive some painful moments in my life; writing letters to those who’d never receive them, swallowing back tears and saying goodbye, even asking the Creator if there has been a mistake because this can’t possibly be forgiven…but I have not forgiven myself enough. I’ve literally been stuck on things not happening the way I imagined or I’ve verbally and emotionally blamed myself for things that I feel I could have prevented…it’s been a hard road leading back to me. Even when I write, and I know I write very well, I critique it like I’m on a panel or something…I start over, I stop, I add to it and then I read and reread my words, wanting it all to be perfect…But the only way forward is to love on me and see myself as deserving of all things precious; truly. These are definitely sensitive times we are living in and it seems like everything in my life is coming to a head. I know beautiful changes are right there in front of me and I am hugging them so tightly. I like smiling and feeling free, with no worries in the back of my mind…that feels very good and right. And so, that is my goal…to not feel indebted to self-doubt. I know who I am and what I represent, it will just take time to fully embrace this truth and with no reservations. The first step in changing though is to actually make the declarations…and I have.

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Peace inside me…

  1. Lisa, this was heartfelt and beautiful. I definitely can relate to the part about being overly critical of our work. Especially as artists, we want things to be perfect. But what is perfection, really? I appreciate and love you. Thank you for speaking your truth. Sending you hugs and kisses from NYC.

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